Overcome

12.7.23

A year and a half of a feeling restored

After years of dormancy

Buried but lying in wait

Revived by a different trauma

Resurrected in a moment of a whisper of honesty from you

The familiar heaviness

A vice grip on my chest

Space too much horizontally but not enough vertically

My emotion attacking my body from the inside out

The shunting of pressure to my core

Uncertain my limbs can support me

Breathe quick, heavy, deep and shallow at once

Hands clenched

Nails etching crescents into my palms

Any sound or voice now drowned out by the acoustics of my pulse

Pounding in my ears

Aware of my heart beating in every inch of my body

Except my fingers

Now tingle with numbness from tips to palms

My whole being on fire from the physical effort of this emotional attack

Unable to speak between panted breaths

Silent sobs cascade, dripping from my face

Choking down the bile

Beneath a stifled scream threatening to break free

Time moves as if seconds are sprinting in quicksand

Willing the progression to halt

My breath lengthen inhale, hold, slow the release

Ground in my senses

What do I feel?

Sweat trailing down my spine

The sensation of my finger tapping to calm the inner chaos

My fists slowly open

What do I hear?

My slowing gasping breath

Heartbeat quieting

The heaviness of exhaustion blanketing my body

Now cold from the release

I know it will pass and I know now it will reappear

The wave will return

Unreasonable and irrationally unannounced

No location or individual can predict or protect me from your arrival

18 months of this uninvited emotional visitor

Now one year free of your attacks

You both feel like strangers

I’ve remerged