Struggle

11.4.21

You seem to be bothered by the fact that your actions

Which took so little thought consume mine

I need to know I alone fill yours so mine may be reclaimed.

Part of my struggle continues with being able to slip so easily

Quickly forgotten from your mind.

Able to feel someone else without pause.

Good enough has always been a hard concept for me to visualize

And this has solidified a thought I’ve had, into a cinder block that I now carry.

I cannot fathom the burden this secret has been for you.

The skill with which it was maintained, for this length of time, is honestly unnerving.

Not one slip or allusion hinted.

To watch me overcompensate to make sure you knew you were loved.

When yours, a choice, intimately involved another, with more than one act, never the catalyst to ensure I felt the same.

So easily my concerns were dismissed, my silent tears beside you not enough to unburden both of us.

It is hard for me to not hear your thoughts remorse, anger, frustration, hurt, fear, love anything...

While I’m broken open, mine overflowing in the tears spilling down my face.

Maybe it is actually me. Maybe I’ve been too tolerant, too patient. Too accommodating, too selfless, too desperate to enable the back and forth cycle that now has us here.

Here, where for some reason I’m still anxious you will leave me

When, if this was someone else’s story,

I would tell her to leave.

Why haven’t I?

I need to see you’re sorry and hurt that I’m broken, struggling through what happened.

I need to know that you have my heart and want to protect it with all that you are.

I need to know my needs are not too much for you

That even if it frustrates you or is hard that you want too, simply because I’m asking.

I never ask for anything and I feel like I am begging for basics to make us work

When anyone else would have walked away four months ago

And never known.